Battle: Los Angeles (Simpletons Review)

(Review Below)

Film : Battle: Los Angeles
Format: Cinema Standard Def
Run time (approx): 1 hr 56 Mins
My Rating (out of 10):  6.5
Rating for an action flick (out of 10): 9
Genre: Sci-Fi/Action

Film Highlight: Surround sound made me feel part of the battle.

** MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS **

Battle: Los Angeles , a simple film with a simple plot. A group of stereotypical marines (a retarded rookie, a big black guy with a scar, a hero staff Sergeant and an annoying Hispanic) are involved in a rescue mission to evacuate a bunch of civilians out of a police HQ when the world becomes invaded by an 'unknown force' from the skys.

I was so hyped about this film, followed the multiple trailers that were released, jacked off to the nice posters that were shown (to confirm that was a joke) and even made a Facebook fan page (also a joke). The cast Aaron Eckhart (Harvey Dent !), Michelle Rodriguez (Fast and the Furious), Ne-Yo (Yep... the mainstream R&B singer) and other previous 'war film castings' are OK but it was all just the typical war movie jokes and war movie shouts with war movie cliches. They didn't have much to work with to prove themselves as actors, Aaron Eckhart was by far the best performance, realistic emotion and believable anger.

This film is a mix between 'Black Hawk Down' , 'Independance Day' and 'Cloverfield', that's a swell thing right? Yeah if its as good as them all but unfortunately it isn't. Some elements from each film were used such as the 'shakey camera' from Cloverfield, the Alien invasion from 'Independance Day' and a similar type of rescue mission from 'Black Hawk Down'.

Like all Alien films I watch, I also always find the weaponry, design and technology of the invaders interesting. B LA had great ideas mixed with awful ideas, the huge shock wave cannons and incendiary type rounds were awesome. However their ships looked like something from a scarp yard (ghetto spaceships) and the audience find themselves watching Aaron Eckhart and a qualified vet (yes a vet...) discover the aliens weakness in a 20 minute (exaggeration) dissection, only to find they have a god damn heart like the rest of us (in the same position!). We find out why the aliens are invading earth ( for resources) but its hardly explained. The ending is also bad, but I'm not gonna spoil it for you but you could probably guess it before the film starts.

As an action flick/alien invasion film this is outstanding but your gonna have to take your brain out and put on those action goggles. Watching it in the cinema with surround sound was so intense and really made you feel part of the action, definitely recommend you go watch it at the cinema.

At the end of the day...
+ Great action/alien flick
+ An improvement from Skyline
+ Sound was used to perfection
+ Tense moments
+ Some good alien ideas
- Standard war cliches, lines and turn of events
- Bad ending
- Predictable

Paul (The Alien) (Simpletons Review)

(Review Below)

Film : Paul
Format: Standard Def
Run time (approx):
My Rating (out of 10):  8
Genre: Adventure/Comedy/Sci-Fi

Film Highlight: The Mos Eisley bar scene returns from Star Wars, with a comical finish. Oh and an alien with three tits !! Awesome

Paul, a movie directed by Greg Mottola and written by comedy duo Simon Pegg and Nick Frost is about two British comic book enthusiasts travelling across the United States but encounter an alien outside of area 51.

This movie has a strong budget and it doesn't fail to show, the cast was chosen to pin-point precision with every actor completing the mission given to them. Of course we had Simon Pegg and Nick Frost (Hot Fuzz/Shaun of the Dead) but other cast members included Sigourney Weaver (OMG Legend), Jefferey Tambor (HellBoy), David Koechner and Seth Rogen (as the voice of Paul). Except for the Corneto munching Nick Frost and the Japanese Peace Lilly savouir Simon Pegg, the other comedy duo Jason Bateman and Nelson Ascencio (A couple of dumb-ass agents) stole the show with their comic performance which brought many laugh out loud moments.

I loved the story and plot of this film, I mean who wouldn't want to help a drug fueled stereotypical alien get home, and theres no one better to do it than Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. There are so many comic book references and nerdy film jokes, which isn't a bad thing at all unless you absolutely hate films such as Star Wars ( but if you do I don't want you on my blog anymore... go on ... GO!). If i had to "Schalgg" this film off in anyway it would probably be the dragged out slightly stupid ending, however this is expected and you easily learn to live with it.

In my opinion this would of been an insanely better film if the horror/comedy genre was used like in Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead. Make the alien/s realistic and horrifying and get them to eat people or something. Of course the whole story would need changing and the film re-naming which would be a shame (unhappy face), so its probably in your interest to completely ignore this confusing opinionated paragraph.

At the end of the Day...
+ If you like Hot Fuzz or Shaun of the Dead you will love this (same humour)
+ Excellent cast
+ Full of laugh out loud moments
+ Comic book and film references
+ Strong story
- Slightly dragged out stupid ending
- Some silly moments

Sanctum 3D (simpletons Review)

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Film: Sanctum 3D
Format: 3D
Run time (approx): 109 mins (Approx)
My Rating (out of 10):  7
Genre: Action/Adventure/Drama

Film Highlight: Spectacular underwater scenery and a stunning environment.

The cast of neighbours are back with a few of their friends for a feature length film ! Jokes aside but you may get that impression after you first dive (pun intended) into this film, the script is that awful. But lets not start on bad terms (oh wait I just did...).

The film is based on a true story and follows a team of underwater cave divers on an expedition to a ridiculously massive, least accessible cave system on earth. It all goes terribly wrong when a tropical storm forces them deeper into this sanctum to face an underwater maze, high claustrophobia, raging water, the sound of their own annoying accents and a crazy psychopath that appears to be Lancelot from King Arthur... my bad hes part of the expedition group. There's also some "I don't know my father, the way i want to" cheese that's overly used in films these days, but I suppose it doesn't take anything away from the film visually.

Richard Roxburgh (Dracula,Van Helsing) plays the father/expert of all caves large whilst his son Rhys Wakefield (looks like he should be in Skins or something) plays the son ( a 17 year old cave climbing expert... HAAAHAAAHA). Other cast members include Ioan Gruffudd (King Arthur), Alice Parkinson (X-men Origins), Dan Wyllie (Chopper) and Christopher Baker (The Condemned). Richard Roxburgh certainly stood out in terms of performance and he was the most convincing actor there but that might of had something to do with the awful script or bad cliches every other second, all the good cliches were ruined by the Australian accent which just didn't suit them. There were a few emotional moments in the film followed by disturbing scenes, but i wont ruin it for you.

The main reason I wanted to go and see this film was because of the panic filled, claustrophobic, spectacular cave system roller coaster that I saw in the trailer. Sanctum certainly lived up to this and the 3D just made it unbelievably realistic, it felt like you were really there (for most of the duration). I was close to having a panic attack when confronting my two biggest fears; water and the feeling of being closed in. But it was adrenaline filled and fun.

On a separate note , James Cameron was one of the producers of this film, I suspect it was more of a research task to trial out 3D underwater and in a different environment to prepare for the sequel to Avatar.

At the end of the day...
+3D made this film, see it in 3D its stunning
+Spectacular scenery and environment
+Something different
+Visually amazing (with a little help from James Cameron)
-Awful script
-Cheesy cliches
-Majority of cast seemed like they had retired from neighbours
-Some predictable parts

Inception (Simpletons Review)

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(Review Below)

Film: Inception
Format: Blu-Ray
Run time (approx): 148 mins (Approx)
My Rating (out of 10):  9.5
Genre: Action/Crime/Mystery

**Contains Spoilers**

Film Highlight: The list is endless, the whole film.

OK so if you haven't seen/read/heard any of the reviews and news based around Christopher Nolan's 'Inception' then you have probably been dreaming (no intentional pun what so ever... really). It is one of Nolan's best ever films (on par with 'The Dark Knight'), and in my opinion one of THE best directors to come out of a mothers womb. 'David Lynch' and 'The Coen Brothers were so damn fly they didn't require a women to put them on this earth, they have been making movies ever since the Dino age... you just didn't realise it.

OK must keep on track, the film is about a highly skilled thief that uses developed technology to enter the human mind through dream invasion, he is given a final chance at redemption but must perform Inception (planting an idea into someones mind), his most difficult job to date.

The cast led me into an orgasm and includes, Leonardo DiCaprio (whose resemblance is uncanny to Christopher Nolan), Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Tom Hardy, Ken Watanabe, Pete Postlethwaite (RIP, awesome actor) and Cillian Murphy. Roles were played well considering the lack of character development, however I guess they had enough trouble  cutting the film down to 2 and a half hours. YES 2 hours 28 minutes to be exact, so if you don't have a pause button your gonna have to invest in one of those sacks you get in hospitals to control any occurring bladder issues, either that or you risk missing a concept in the film that you WILL need to catch up on otherwise it will end up like a motorway pile up.

Word of advise, if you like mindless action films and you are also slightly retarded then it is probably best you bring a note pad to the viewing of this film. It involves allot of thinking, a large amount of information for your mind to string together and a fair few distractions (for example hundreds of characters). I personally have watched this film at least 3 times and only fully understood it after the 2nd time of viewing, it is a film you can watch over and over again due to its edgy plot, rapid story lining and sophistication.

I could blab on and on about this film but I have a 'arts and crafts' club i need to go to... Jokes. It is a must see film before you die and will always be one of those 'memorable' films you never forget, a classic. It has been voted the 7th best film in the world by IMDB users (19/01/2011) and there could even be a sequel (whole new plot, same ideas).

At the end of the day...
+ Realism (So believable, most aspects and theory's can be related to real life, it is about dreams...)
+ Combination of action , edgy drive, and rapid story keep you entertained throughout the 148 minutes
+ Director and cast are highly professional
+ A film that really makes you think
+ Unique idea/plot
+Sound track was brilliant
- Lack of character development
- Too many distractions (i.e random characters)
- Things were explained by certain characters and then it happens straight after (used too much).

Resident Evil : Afterlife (Simpletons Review)

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(Review Below)

Film: Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D
Format: Cinema (3D)
Run time (approx): 97 mins (Approx)
My Rating (out of 10):  7.5

Genre: Action/Adventure/Horror

Film Highlight: The huge axe man from Resident Evil 5 (Video Game) appears, with his blood-stained axe, fish hooks and fuck ugly face (simply a judgemental guess).

I am a huge fan of the Resident Evil franchise (video games & Films) so this film review could be completely biased, however I will try to balance it out as much as possible. I must also point out that this film should be watched in 3D, the technology is used extremely well here 2nd to Avatar, daggers, bullets, knifes and axes are constantly emerging from the screen and you find yourself occasionally sitting back more into your seat, if you didn’t then I envy your wonderfully macho life...

OK the film continues on from the third film (Resident Evil Extinction), yep Alice and her new set of buddy’s ranging from a big headed stereotypical basketball player to a prick of a film director (went for the subtle option) who are determined to find salvation in a relocated safe haven (Arcadia) and take down the Umbrella corporation at the same time.

The cast includes Milla Jovovich (Hotty No.1), Ali Larter (Hotty No.2), Spencer locke (Hotty No.3), Sienna Guillory (Hotty No.4), Shawn Roberts, Kim Coates and Wentworth Miller. In terms of visuals I personally cannot complain about the choice of casting (actresses only), there was hardly any dialogue anyway and if there was it just flies over the top of you because it’s so bad but there’s action and zombies to watch ! Who cares? Shawn Roberts also played Wesker well (The most evil evilest evil man on earth...pure evil...and bad ass).

I’ve always said the Resident Evil film series should have been similar to the video games; it would have made allot more sense taking into account how awesome they were. Paul W.S Anderson must have heard my plea (3 films too late) because ‘Afterlife’ was rammed pack with video game elements (Axe man, Chris Redfield, Wesker, zombies with herpes, dogs that split apart e.t.c). I really don’t think it worked as well as it could have done; besides nothing was explained properly.

This is a pure entertainment film and nothing more, fans of the series will love it because they are fans. Movie critics that lack sane life will demolish this film in their reviews due to a lack of plot, no dialogue, too many clichés, too much slow mo and mindless action. This is no ‘Inception’ ... but it wasn’t meant to be!

At the end of the day...
+A 'must see' for fans of the franchise
+A 'must see' for Action/Horror/Zombie fans
+Relates more to the video game (5)
+Mind blowing 3D technique
+WESKER !
-Lacks plot,dialogue and character forming
-Too much slow mo
-Lack of explanation

The Expendables (Simpletons Review)

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Film : The Expendables
Format: Cinema (Standard def)
Run time (approx): 103 mins (Approx)
My Rating (out of 10):  7.5
Genre: Action/Adventure/Thriller

Film Highlight: AA-12 Automatic shotgun can decapitate at least 20 South Americans in 20 seconds. With Cheese Burger Eddy behind it anyway...

Directed by Sly Stallone (smacks head) oh god... But Wait its an action flick so it’s going to be awesome Wright? Pretty much. The plot: Smack, pow, bang, boom... no it’s not a drug fuelled porn movie. But seriously a group of hardened mercenaries specialised in all kinds of warfare head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator on an island.

The cast is impressive especially if you are a fan of all the action movies here's a list;

Sylvester Stallone (Rambo/Rocky) - Plays the leader of the mercenaries
Jason Statham (Transporter) – Knife Enthusiast
Jet Li (Kiss of the Dragon) – Martial Arts expert
Dolph Lundgren (Rocky IV) – Uncontrollable Massive guy
Randy Couture (The Unit) – Demolitionist  
Terry Crews (Longest Yard) – Heavy Weapons
Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler) – Tattooist,

Eric Roberts (The Dark Knight) – ‘Bad Guy’
Steve Austin (WWE) – ‘Bad guys’ right hand man
David Zayas (Dexter) – The general
Charisma Carpenter (Angel)

Arnold Schwarzenegger (Commando/Predator) – Cameo
Bruce Willis (Die hard) - Cameo

For men it’s like a dream come true, their favourite action heroes from back in the day have returned. A reviewer on the IMDB described this as ‘Sex in the City’ for men, well they are correct! (PLEASE NOTE: I have never watched ‘Sex in the City’, I’d like to keep my hard man reputation I have maintained within this review).

DO NOT expect a brilliant story, DO NOT expect intense, thought through dialogues, DO NOT expect a mushy love scene (although Arnie and Bruce Willis need to get rid of their sexual tension), DO NOT expect cute puppies. EXPECT some easy to watch, non-stop action flick with lots of explosions and an all star action hero cast.

Although this film was great it was still expendable, it had so much potential, if only they came out with new one liners, developed the script, used all actors to their potentials and integrated better CGI (The part where Steve Austin is burned alive was laughable, in both senses. The fact that a well known wrestler is rolling around on fire and how bad the CGI was).

At the end of the day...
+A film for 80s action flick fans
+Enough weapons, explosions and action heroes to keep a hard on
+Fans of Rambo, Commando and predator will love
-Could have been so much better
-Bad dialogue
-Some CGI and sound Effects were bad considering budget 

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (Simpletons Review)

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Film : The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3
Format: Blu-Ray
Run time (approx): 106 mins (Approx)
My Rating (out of 10):  7.0
Genre: Thriller/Crime/Action
**Contains Spoilers**

Film Highlight: A hijacker that is the spitting image of Rev Run gets shot IN THE FACCEEE ! all because of a rat...VERMIN!

The Taking of Pelham 123 is a remake of the original (The Taking of Pelham one two three), now I haven't seen the original but from reading other reviews the original is much better. The film begins with armed men who hijack a New Yoik! City subway train full of passengers (how convenient !) and hold them for ransom, Walter Garber , a dispatcher (wearing the most unlikely glasses) working a normal day must now face off with the mastermind behind the hijacking (kind of like Alec Baldwin but with a long tache... oh wait its John Travolta!).

OK so the main characters in this film are Walter Garber (Denzel Washington) and Ryder (John Travolta), I was extremely satisfied at how well John Travolta suited a mental Catholic, intelligent hijacker. It was almost as if he wasn't acting ... (Sorry John I'm just kidding wit' cha) (Yes he does read the Majors Reviews ! who doesn't?). Denzel Washington plays his role well with some emotion and realism (kinda like a young Morgan Freeman) . There are more cast members but there is absolutely no point in mentioning them because they hardly had any lines, this is such a flaw of the film. Tony Scott should of made use of these actors considering so many lives were involved in this film. I couldn't even feel emotion for the hostages because they were all so stereotypical.

The film was really well thought through up until the point at which the dolla' was being escorted to the subway. The movie suddenly turned into a Michael Bay 'Transformers' production, cars were doing back flips and somersaults, idiotic cops were randomly driving into parked cars on their motorbikes and at one point i swear i saw a Decepticon waiting at the traffic lights.

Stunning as always on Blu-Ray however please note allot of the film is based underground.

At the end of the day...
+An enjoyable film and well thought out overall
+Denzel Washington and John Travolta performed well
+A decent hostage film
-Needed to involve more cast members (more script)
-Some parts of the film were too silly

Severance (Simpletons Review)

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Click here for 'Severance' trailer

Film : Severance
Format: Standard Def
Run time (approx): 96 mins (Approx)
My Rating (out of 10):  6.5
Genre: Horror/Comedy/Thriller

**Contains Spoilers**


Film Highlight: The fact that a decapitated leg is hard to fit in a mini fridge.

This film was on TV the other night so I decided to watch it , knowing that Danny Dyer starred in it I was extremely skeptical.

Severance is a black comedy slasher movie from the director of 'Creep'. In my opinion it is more of a slasher/horror than a film like 'Hot Fuzz' which relies more on the comedy aspect, there are a few elements of black comedy but in terms of balance horror wins it. The film is based around a team of salesmen/women (the times we live in, I cant go taking chances) who take a trip to Eastern Europe  for a team building weekend, well the team building certainly kicks in when they find themselves fighting for their lives against a group of random Eastern European killers who will not stop until they are decapitated, burnt alive or dead.

Generally a 'stellar' British cast including Danny Dyer,Andy Nyman, Toby Stephens e.t.c. I have nothing against Danny Dyer but how he got his 'hard man' status is beyond me , it can only be his accent because he looks like a 5ft puppy. The role he was given in this film was awful , how a waste of space druggie works in a multi-national Palisade Defence company is a mystery. All I'm saying is a different actor with a different character background could of made this film funnier than it already is. (Please don't hurt me Danny).

This film is quite clever , it provides gripping suspense, enough 'blood n' guts' and a great story , whilst in keeping with the comedy and silliness. Your either going to find this film hilarious or your going to be on the edge of your seat in suspense.

At the end of the day...
-Gripping horror/comedy flick from a stellar British cast
-Good as a comedy, Great as a slasher
-For 'Shaun of the dead' and 'Hot fuzz' fans

Piranha 3D (Simpletons Review)

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Click here for 'Piranha 3D' trailer (HD)

Film : Piranha 3D
Format: Cinema (3D)
Run time (approx): 88 mins (Approx)
My Rating (out of 10):  8
Genre: Horror/Comedy/Thriller

**Contains Spoilers**

Film Highlight: A crazed raver determined to escape the massacre powers up a speed boat and plows through at least 15 innocent people in a horrific way..lol. Oh and 3D tits...

Firstly I would like to state that this film is an 18 cert. if there was a higher cert. then I'm sure it would be there instead. This film is literally blood, guts and tits (women's tits). I wouldn't call this a film 'for the family' . Piranha (3D) tells the story of what happened when an underwater tremor releases thousands of man-eating/cock-eating (if you've seen the film you know what I'm on about) piranhas from their enclosed breeding ground, a group of unlikely strangers (lesbians, porn stars, heroes... the usual) must 'join forces' to prevent death from these giant prehistoric creatures.

At this point I usually talk about the cast , but I think I've your taking any notice of who's in this film then your watching it for the wrong reasons (of course Kelly Brook is an exception though). Christopher Lloyd (Back to the future) and Richard Dreyfuss (Jaws) are featured in this film however you cant really find them in amongst the breasts and blood. There are also allot of good looking babes including Kelly Brook (and her curves) , Riley Steele and Jessica Szohr (the amount of bras and bikinis that are in this film easily reaches triple digits). Kelly brook acts superbly ... (in her lesbian underwater scene), other than that the acting isn't A-list style (but its not meant to be).

I guess its easier for me to use keywords and tags at this point because it really is just a gore filled, hormone charged, adrenaline ride with a hint of comedy and gags. The CGI wasn't great but I was hardly expecting it to be, it was good enough keep me entertained. The blood , guts and gore were so realistic (apart from the penis), some of the audience in the cinema were on the verge of being sick , I personally found it rather tame but occasionally looked away when no one was looking. The whole story was predictable but then it was never going to be another 'Jaws film'.

The 3D was worth paying the extra £2 for but some aspects were bad for example the exact same underwater foliage was shown around 4 times to show off the power of 3D , it was monotonous after the first time. To balance it out some 3D parts of the film were brilliant such as the piranhas swimming straight at you or the zip cable that came swooping out of the screen and resulted in a women getting sliced cleanly in half.

At the end of the day...
See this film if...
- Your a guy (or a girl of course, no discrimination here...)
- Your not homosexual
- You love blood,guts and gore
- You loved 'Jaws'
- Your not going to take it serious
- You love 'Girls gone wild'

The Losers (Simpletons Review)

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Film : The Losers
Format: Blu-Ray
Run time (approx): 93 mins (Approx)
My Rating (out of 10):  7.5
Genre: Action/Adventure/Crime

**Contains Spoilers**

Film Highlight: Learning that Chris Evans had the ability to shoot and kill people with the old childhood trick of turning your hands into guns.

The film is about betrayal and revenge (No not Rambo style this film is a 12A FFS). A elite special forces crew is sent to complete a search and destroy mission in Bolivia but discover that they have become the target of a vicious double cross by a man named Max (very high up in the world). They manage to escape death and are presumed dead , now they must listen to a vicious operative to get revenge.

The Losers star Jeffrey Dean Morgan (Watchmen), Chris Evans (Fantastic four), Idris Elba (The Wire) and Zoe saldana (Avatar). Whilst we are on the subject of cast , I just want to point out the uncanny resemblance of Zoe Saldana and her character in Avatar (Neytiri) , you would recognize her straight away. Jeffrey Morgan is a great actor and performed his role right down to a Tee, Chris Evans (NOT the ridiculously annoying radio 2 presenter) contributed highly to the comedy aspect in this film and Idris Elba played the "BBG (big black guy)".

This film isn't brilliant but it is VERY entertaining, if you are expecting a brutal action flick with a hard plot then this isn't your film but if you just want some laughs,entertainment and cheesy cliches then its for you. The whole thing is very predictable from start to end (you know when the hero will come to save the day), the "bad guy/villain" is too camp and hilarious to be evil and some of the moments in the film just couldn't happen in real life (to a stage where you start to cringe). Its based on the comic book novel and the style of the film doesn't stray away from that fact for example , slow motion action and live action style credits. This is a film you probably wouldn't remember after watching it but it still contains enough entertainment and action to be classed as an action flick (final sequence heats up the movie).

I watched this on Blu-Ray and the explosive action, vast scenery of the Bolivian jungle and Jensen's pink t-shirt are of stunning picture quality. Definitely worth a watch in Blu-Ray.

At the end of the day...
-An entertaining action flick which could be watched with the "lads" if the footy isn't on.
-Full of laughs and cheesy cliche lines
-Enough action but not your 'Rambo' or 'Shooter'
-Worth a watch

Monsters (Simpletons Review)

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Film : Monsters
Format: Standard Def (Cinema)
Run time (approx): 94 mins
My Rating (out of 10):  5
Genre: Drama/Sci-Fi/Thriller

Film Highlight: The opening scene (the military lay siege to a hulking octopus), oh and Whitney Albe with short hair (hot stuff). 

**Contains Spoilers**

Yes....... 'Monsters' , judging by the name of the film, trailer releases and the genre of this film you would presume this is gonna be a kick-ass monster/alien film. Nahhh, it should of been called 'What happens in Mexico , stays in Mexico'. OK so if you don't know what the films about let me explain ... actually I wish i did too? based on IMDB, six years ago NASA found out that there are alien life forms within the solar system, a probe was sent to collect samples and then crashed on its way back in central America, after this 'mis-fortune' new alien life forms start appearing and half of Mexico is quarantined (at last !) . To date they have somehow managed to contain these gigantic aliens within Mexico. But wait ! that's not the main story , a man must escort a women out of Mexico to the US border (oh yes i know what your thinking , DEEP).

Before I start slagging this film off , well before I slag it off anymore I must stress the production budget of this film was $15,000 (no i didn't forget 4 zeros) . Filmed on a Sony EX3 with a Nikon 50 MM Lens, 2 main cast members and the effects were done in Adobe CS4, editing in Premiere.

The cast Scott McNairy (Herbie, fully loaded) and Whitney Albe, oh and a bunch of middle-aged overweight Mexicans play their roles well and the emotional attachment between Samantha and Andrew is very believable (the fact that they're partners in real life might have something to do with that). Andrew is very likeable and Samantha is extremely good looking (one of the main reasons i kept my eyes on the screen).

The film had no real explanation behind it and went downhill as soon as it started , the opening scene is all the action your gonna get maybe a few gun shots later on but that's it . The main block of the film was about this journalist trying to get into bed with a US tourist (and LALALALALA he never get THIS) a peck on the lips and a one night stand with what looks to be a hairy bloke is his only achievement. The lack of monsters/aliens makes you ponder whether the film was named ironically. We get to see around 4 giant retarded looking octopuses 8 shots of tequila and 1 grown man running around Mexico in his underpants if this sounds good to you then please , be my guest. If your looking for a action packed monster film without a love story then AVOID.

At the end of the day...
-An extremely low budget goes a long way here ... its worth watching just to see how $15,000 made this film. 
-A film not on the level of Cloverfield but better than 'Mega shark vs Giant octopus'
-A film well acted yet tediously boring
-Unique and original

Jackass 3D (Simpletons Review)

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Film : Jackass (3) 3D
Format: 3D
Run time (approx): 94 mins
My Rating (out of 10):  8
Genre: Documentary/Comedy

Film Highlight: A stunt named as "The Lamborghini tooth pull", need I say more?

OK so the guys are back for a third installment of the Jackass movie franchise, this time they take it one step further ... to 3D. Now if you are a fan of the other two movies and the TV series then you ll know what to expect, for those who haven't I don't think its going to be too hard to explain. A group of highly intelligent and mature men/dudes establish that filming highly dangerous stunts, disgusting antics and explicit public displays is a good way of making money ... because its funny !

At this point i would talk about the cast, hmmm Johnny Knoxville (Dukes of Hazard,Men in black 2), Bam Margera (Pro skater, Viva La Bam) and Ryan Dunn (Haggard) are just some of the 20+ crew featured in this film. We don't need an A-list cast though , all we need is a group of hilarious idiots willing to entertain by means of ridiculous stunts any normal person would not perform. I personally am a major fan of the crew, the TV series and the movies so this review could be slightly biased and if this is the same for you then this movie will not disappoint.

The stunts are even more entertaining , having it in 3D adds elegance (if possible) to the movie and the slow motion technique featured in some of the stunts worked superbly. The opening of the movie was one of my favourite parts , seeing various members of the team getting destroyed by wet fish, paint balls and other objects all in mind blowing 3D and slow motion. The "Jet airplane", "electric avenue", "midgets in a bar fight" and "Super might glue" stunts were also my favourite but your gonna have to watch the movie to find out what they entail (if its not in your cinema anymore ... your screwed and your also going to have a long wait until it comes out on DVD). 

At the end of the day...
The best Jackass movie to date, if your a fan then this is a must see (3D too). If you haven't seen it and love seeing other peoples mis-fortunes then you'll love this as long as you can put up with , vomit, sweat, blood and diarrhea (not mixed together...don't worry). 

A nasty film full of so many laughs and moments where you just cant watch. 18+

Solomon Kane (Simpletons Review)

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Film : Solomon Kane
Format: Blu-Ray
Run time (approx): 104 mins
My Rating (out of 10):  6
Genre: Action/Adventure/Fantasy

Film Highlight: James Purefoy gradually turning into a wurzel through the film.

**Contains Spoilers**

Solomon Kane directed by Michal J.Bassett is a demonic adventure through England following a pirate who must now live a life of peace after having a run-in with the grim reaper himself (except this time he has a sword coated in flames instead of a scythe and old bony hands) who has bound him for hell. All goes well until the Malachi turn up murder and kidnap his foster family (lifes a b*tch , then the Malachi turn up). Solomon must now decide whether he should revisit his violent past and take revenge.

I like James Purefoy and he did act to a high standard for his role, the only thing I couldn't take serious was his accent , speaking like a wurzel just brought laughter to me and my mates watching the film.Pete Postlethwaite also makes a rather long appearance as he is part of Solomons "foster" family, hes the hunter in 'The Lost World , Jurassic park'. Laughter aside this film provides a stable story (I haven't read the books), a dark atmosphere, some monsters/demons and enough action to keep you entertained.

The scenery and areas this film was shot in are beautiful (*cringe*) however it was continuously raining/snowing ... 'where are we again? England ... oh yeah believable .. carry on'.The CGI/special effects were great in places however in some scenes it was disappointing (mainly the ending), let us not be too critical though considering the budget for this film (yes I'm using the word 'us' because then it doesn't look like its me slagging off the CGI ,right?).

Watching this in Blu-Ray made the whole experience that little bit better, you could really tell the picture quality when there were scenes of the scenery from afar. The sound quality was also pure, you could hear each individual 'clash' of swords. Recommended in Blu-Ray.

Anyway I think you have to watch this film rather than listen to my isolated opinion because there are so many different reviews.

At the end of the day...
This was a bad and rushed review... oh sorry

At the end of the day...
Watch this film if
-You are a fantasy/adventure fan
-You like dark demonic films filled with sorcery
-You like Van Helsing
-You want to see James purefoy talk wurzel (really its funny)

Drag Me to Hell (Simpletons Review)

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Film : Drag Me to Hell
Format: Blu-Ray
Run time (approx): 99 mins
My Rating (out of 10):  6.5
Genre: Horror/Thriller

 Film Highlight: The moment Christine realises it was just a dream and she didn't sleep with a mutilated gypsy witch (Fly Scene).


**Contains Spoilers**

A Sam Raimi (The Evil Dead, Spiderman 3) film which revisits the blackly comic and fun of 'The Evil Dead'. If you haven't seen Drag Me to Hell then here's a little bit about the film. Christine Brown is a loan officer with a potential promotion on board , she is faced with a hard decision when a desperate old women is in need of a loan otherwise she will be evicted from her home. Christine basically face palms her and the evil old women places a supernatural curse (as they do) which will literally drag her to hell unless help is found in the form of a seer.

The cast consisted of Alison Lohman, Justin Long (Dodgeball), Dileep Rao (Inception) e.t.c. Roles were played well but couldn't of been played any better because of the script (being so obvious). I am a huge fan of Justin Long and Dileep Rao somehow always ends up playing the bearded spiritualist/drug expert/wise one, they both perform up to the standard of what the film asks for (which isn't much). As for Alison Lohmans character (Christine) I couldn't care less if she gets dragged to hell even if she is attractive because the character wound me up throughout the film and I wanted to slap her in the face (besides ... I wanted to see those creepy looking hands on the DVD cover). 

This film is a horror however its not a scary film. My false teeth fell out (JOKE...calm down) when I saw Charlie Parrish's (Zoo) quote on the front of the DVD cover "The scariest movie of the decade". Ill give the film its due , I did jump multiple times even at predictable moments, good camera work and directing from Sam Raimi (either that or I'm a complete WETTY). Some of the film was laughable and silly , but hey? what do you expect from the director of The Evil Dead. The film is full of wacky ,disgusting and fiendish special effects which I wouldn't want to give away, so I guess you'll just have to see the film yourself. If there is one lesson to be learnt from this film it is to always provide an older women with whatever she desires otherwise she'll make your life hell for a few days and then send you to Satan himself...oh and she'll vomit in your mouth (no jokes).

The picture quality was brilliant, however you could only tell during the daylight hours of the film (there were quite a few dark moments) and the DTS HD 5.1 audio was vital for those atmospheric and jumpy moments. I recommend buying it on Blu-Ray especially because theres not much price difference.

At the end of the day...
See this film if...
-You like Marmite
-Your a fan of The Evil Dead
-You like constant jumps,scares and laughs
-Your not serious about it

Smokin Aces 2: Assassins Ball (Simpletons Review)

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Film : Smokin Aces 2: Assassins Ball
Format: Blu-Ray
Run time (approx): 86 mins
My Rating (out of 10):  6

Film Highlight: A bar with an underground lair but no toilets.


After watching the first film I was pumped and ready to see this sequel (in Blu-Ray) and couldn't wait to stick it in the Blu-Ray drive (no im not trying to turn you all on). For those who haven't seen the first film please read my review http://majormattsblog.blogspot.com/2010/11/smokin-aces-simpletons-review.html , or BUY the film ! (its Good). OK a bit about the story, Walter Weed works for the FBI and sits behind a desk (pencil pusher), of course no one expected a bounty to be put on this guys head but wait the Bureau uncovers a mysterious plot to assassinate him. Yet again the cons, mentalists, ex-cons, psychos , Tremor family (woo) and other dark characters come out to play and are unfortunately "running low...on doh" so decide to take up this bounty, the chase begins.

Yes its Smokin Aces 2 , so where is Aces? (you ll have to watch the first film , i don't want to give anything away). Aces is nowhere to be seen and so the title has no relation to the film at all , only the fact that it is the sequel. They could have called it "Smokin Weed" (Walter Weed) but I don't think that would have gone down as well, plus all the die hard action fans of the last film wouldn't know where to find the sequel. Firstly the scene, what looks to me as a cardboard ghost town and a jazz bar with an underground stronghold bigger than MI6. This may appeal to some but it simply does not beat the 'MontBleu Resort Casino & Spa' (Nomad casino/hotel) of the previous film. The underground layer of the bar is impressive and leaves the audience pondering the question 'is this man actually going to get killed?'.

The cast (yes there is some sort of cast glued together for this film) include Vinnie Jones, Tom Berenger, Clayne Crawford e.t.c, perform reasonably well, however Vinnie Jones was given the wrong nickname and range of equipment , hes a bad-ass not a Surgeon ! On the plus side there was a diva that didn't like wearing too much (Martha Higareda). Tommy Flanagan was back as the 'incognito with a scar' up to his usual tricks and the Tremor family make another comic appearance , except this time its just Lester Tremor (Maury Sterling) with a couple of relatives.

Similar to the first film we get an insight into the assassins lives, this is probably the easiest thing to grasp about the film because the plot and story is even more twisted than the last film, so twisted and confusing that it just doesn't really work in the end , twists and plots are just thrown in towards the end of the film randomly, its as if they have loaded a tennis ball machine up with film cells and fired them at a sticky wall with 'Smokin Aces 2' written at the top and then just added in really bad (i mean really bad , Jaws 3 style) CGI explosives. Oh look i don't need to conclude i just did...

The Blu-Ray picture quality was crisp and the film was in full-screen. The sound was also a good quality, I would recommend in Blu-Ray.

At the end of the day...
Action packed with enough weapons and women to keep you watching .Smokin Aces fans only.

( Skyline review COMING SOON) ... if it deserves one